In Retrospect
by Larilee
Summary: After the war, Harry finds himself in the office of a Squib psychiatrist because everyone needs someone to talk to. Even if your life is going good, really. HG


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In Retrospect

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_**Disclaime:** I could lie and tell you it's mine, but I wouldn't steal from J.K. Rowling on Mother's Day. What? It's only Mother's Day in American? I missed my chance to nick it all? Damn._

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Hi, yes, I'm him… Harry Potter. 

You've got a nice office here. Do I just sit anywhere? I mean, is it like a test? If I sit too close, what does that tell about me? If I sit too far away, am I trying to avoid you? That sort of test.

Yes, I feel a bit weird. I know how things sound, and it's not like it really is, do you know what I mean? All those newspaper articles about me, none of them ever got it right. I didn't cry nightly over my parents' murder; I never had anything going on with my friend, Hermione; I didn't tell the Minister for Magic to bugger off. I _wish_ I had.

No, they did get it mostly right about my childhood. My aunt and uncle never beat me, but they made it obvious that they didn't want me. I never had my own clothes until I went to Hogwarts; I wore my cousin's cast-offs. And Dudley was enormous! Hermione and her mother took me shopping the summer before I turned 17, and that was the first time I bought Muggle clothing that actually fitted. Mrs. Granger, she is a dentist, told me if she ever got any of my family in her dental chair, she would not be responsible for her actions.

But I can't really complain about my childhood too much -- it made me who I am. You know, they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and all that nonsense? Maybe if they hadn't been like that, I might not have been the Boy-Who-Lived-to-Destroy-the-Dark-Lord.

That really wasn't all me. There are so many people who helped me get there… my parents, Hermione and Ron, Professor Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, all the Order. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them.

It's just that lately… I don't know. Once we tracked down all the pieces of his soul and destroyed them, I just felt...

After he was destroyed, I got a job and got married. Lots of fun now… time to live.

Of course I love Ginny! I married her, didn't I? What sort of question is that?

Defensive? What do you mean I sound defensive?

Okay, I'll tell you what: you define love, and I'll tell you if I love her. Why shouldn't I love her? She's beautiful, high-spirited; we share the same interests.

Her brother was my best mate ever. From the moment we met on the train to Hogwarts, we were friends. And his family treated me like a second son. Well, a seventh son. Every year, even before I married Ginny, Mum knitted me a Weasley jumper. They added a hand to the family clock in what would've been my seventh year. Me and Hermione both. Hermione was with Ron then, and that felt okay.

Why just okay? They were both my friends. They stuck with me through everything. 'Attack Voldemort? Sure, mate, I've got your back.' And Ron would work on the strategy while Hermione would be off researching the best way to do it. But...

I just never thought... no, I'm okay. I'm just trying to find the right words to say it. They weren't a good match. There, I said it. Hermione could discuss magical theory for hours; God knows we've done it before. Muggles raised me and Hermione is Muggle-born. It's really interesting to sit down and juggle ideas back and forth with her. But Ron was a pure-blood; he didn't really care _why_ magic worked or how. He just accepted it. Like Ginny does; she couldn't care less that intent can outweigh magical power when casting a spell. Or why a wand is needed to focus magic. Or if the gene that gives magical powers could be isolated; Muggles are doing so much these days in regards to DNA research.

I'm not really sure why I'm here. I'm pretty happy, overall. I mean, there's no sociopathic evil wizard out to kill me. That's a nice change. The Auror program is fascinating. I wish training lasted for more than eight hours a day. Hermione and I meet for lunch quite often. She's working at the Ministry -- Muggle Liaison Office. I think Hermione is trying very hard to make sure circumstances don't produce another Tom Riddle.

But I keep thinking… there has to be more than this. It's not that I'm _un_happy, I just feel... empty. Hermione is the one who heard about you. Apparently, you're a first. Though God knows the Wizarding world really does need a psychotherapist.

I wanted Ginny to come with me, but she refused. I think she believes that we'd gang up on her. I want children. I've always wanted children. I wouldn't mind having seven or eight. We talked about it before we got married and she wanted a big family too, or at least that's what she said. But now, she's playing for the Cannons, and she wants to postpone it.

Again.

I've tried to be reasonable about it. If we timed it, she'd only miss half a season. She said no. Yes, we've talked about adoption, but she's against it because she wants to have her own children one day. I think she also thinks of orphanages and Tom Riddle as being one and the same. That's ridiculous! But once her mind is made up, you can't talk to her. She nags worse than her mum. Molly, that's Ginny's mum, seems to think it's my idea not to have kids. How can I answer that? I don't want to cause trouble between mother and daughter. How do I handle that? I just want to avoid the whole Weasley clan. We're always supposed to go for Sunday dinner, unless Ginny has a game.

I don't mind the Sunday dinners; it's almost like being part of a real family. Well, I don't mind them i that /i much. It's just that... Molly is always on me for working too hard. 'How can you expect my daughter to start a family if you're never home?' But when I am home, Ginny is always running off to practice, or meeting her team-mates, or going home to The Burrow for a visit. I don't always want to go out.

But Molly nags everybody. Bill and Fleur because they don't have any kids. They've tried to tell her that Bill has had a hard time finding work. He was mauled by a werewolf during the war, and even though it wasn't a full moon and he doesn't transform, people don't want to employ him. Fred and George get moaned at because they aren't married yet. And Hermione...

Let's see, last Sunday, she pestered Hermione over her parenting skills because Hermione was feeding little Billy solids. It was just mashed potato, and the little fella loved it. Hermione thinks it's time he should start weaning. But Molly hit the roof when she found that Hermione was no longer breast-feeding. Hermione said she couldn't because she had to return to work, and Molly kept saying that surely Hermione could Apparate to her mother's office to feed the child when it was time. I think Molly is really upset that Hermione turned down her offer to baby-sit and chose her own mother instead. But it's more convenient for Hermione because she moved back in with her parents when Ron… when Ron was... killed.

Next, Molly went on this verbal rampage because she heard Hermione had a date to some Ministry function. It wasn't a date; it was just two people from the same department deciding to go together. After she told Hermione that she was being unfaithful to Ron's memory, Ginny tried to change the subject by pointing out how much Billy looks like Hermione. I don't know why she said that because she knows that only upsets Hermione more; Hermione wants Billy to be just like his daddy. I think it's her way of holding onto a piece of Ron.

Ginny ought to realize how much it upsets Hermione to be told that he really doesn't look like Ron. Every time she says something like that, Hermione goes quiet and points out that his hair does have a reddish cast -- what hair that he has. Billy is still mostly bald. But Ginny and Molly are both still upset that she doesn't call him Little Ron. She named him Ron Bilius Weasley Jr. and I can understand why she doesn't want to call him Ron. It's too painful for her. I know it's been over a year, but she still grieves for him.

I do too. I miss Ron, but I can't talk to Hermione about it. I don't want to upset her. My wife? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed like that. Ginny doesn't want to talk about the war. She doesn't want to talk about Ron or Charlie or her father or anyone else who's died. She's made it her goal in her marriage that we only talk about i happy /i things. No, are you sure I said her marriage? I meant our marriage, of course.

What do we talk about... her practice, her last game, how the rest of the family is doing. We can't talk about the war, Hermione and Billy, my job -- no, she says it depresses her. She keeps on at me to have a try out for the Cannons.

I love to fly. I've always loved to fly, ever since I got on my first broom. But Quidditch doesn't seem as important to me as it once did. It's a game. Somebody catches the Snitch and everybody goes home. Either your team wins or they lose, but it's not going to change anything for you. It's not going to make the world a better place. It's just a temporary diversion, and Ginny doesn't understand why I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper. But you know, I just realized something -- she hates my job which I love and I feel contempt for her job that she loves. We can't talk about our past and we can't talk about our future. Yeah, I think children are our future. They're my future anyway.

Do you really have to ask those kind of questions? Yes, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about. But since our last fight, I've been sleeping in the study. It's been a couple of weeks.

There was a Ministry Ball, a fundraiser for the war orphans. I guess you could say I relate to them because I am a war orphan. Voldemort killed my parents. I would've given anything for the Wizarding world to get me out of my aunt and uncle's house while I was growing up. I donated some money. Ginny objected.

Yes, it does make me angry. She spent 150 Galleons on robes for this fundraiser, but she got upset that I donated money to help the orphans. My parents left me that money. But she seems to think that money should be spent on _better_ things.

I don't know what she means by _better things_. She said she did it for me, because there would be raised eyebrows if Harry Potter's wife wasn't dressed in the latest fashions. I guess she's social climbing, I don't know. I would rather people say my wife is a kind woman who does the right thing, like Hermione. You don't catch Hermione spending money on stupid clothes that she'll only wear once to make an impression on people she doesn't like.

But Ginny said something like that sort of thing could haunt me in my career as I move up at the Ministry. And I said some things, and she said some things. But what really got to me... what really made me angry is the fact that she expects me to become the Minister for Magic one day. I'm in Magical Law Enforcement for a reason -- I want to keep going after the bad guys. I feel safer when I'm with the witches and wizards at MLE because I know we're working on making Wizarding Britain a safer place. And I'm not alone there. But what I would do as the Minister for Magic? It's really more of a figurehead position with the Wizengamot holding the real power. So I told her in no uncertain terms that I don't want to be the Minister, not now, not in the future.

What would I do? You mean if I wasn't 'Harry _The Chosen One_ Bloody Potter', The-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Lived-and-Lived? The Great Victor? You mean, if I could be free and didn't have to live up to everyone's expectations?

I would want to move my way up in Magical Law Enforcement. Then maybe in 70 or 80 years, I'd retire and see if I could get the Defence Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts. Maybe I'd do that sooner. Hermione and I were talking about that the other day. She's thinking of applying for any open position when Billy gets his letter. But she's afraid that it might look like she's following him and she is an overprotective mother. Hogwarts was like my own only home. There are a lot of good memories there. I know Hermione would really want to be the librarian rather than a professor. She knows her books.

A lot of times we go to her parents' house for lunch. See this? Let me enlarge it. _Engorgio_. It's a stuffed dragon for Billy, but if you squeeze it under the chin like that… nice little roar, isn't it? I think the little lad will like it.

I just... I can _talk_ to Hermione. She listens. She doesn't tell me I'm stupid or that I'm upsetting her. Sometimes, we even talk about Ron. I think she wonders if she would have married him if we hadn't been fighting Voldemort. Last week she mentioned something about that they rushed into things. I know how she feels.

Oh, already? I guess time flies when you're talking about yourself. As I said, it's not that I'm not happy, because I am, sometimes. I just expect there to be more and that's probably wrong of me.

I'm not sure if Ginny will come with me. Well, _should_ doesn't always mean she'll do it. I do want to save our marriage. If we divorced, it would be like losing a family all over again. I mean, Molly nags, but she means well. And Fred and George are just like my brothers. Bill, his wife and I get along well too. He plays wizard chess with me most Sundays. Like Ron used to. Hermione will curl up on the couch with a book and will watch us while Molly is playing with Billy. I don't want to lose all of them.

Okay, Doctor, I'll see you on Wednesday.

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_**Author's Notes**: My gratitude to JackieJLH for being my beta and friend (and she does it without pay!) And also to Wartcap for Brit-picking and being my friend as well as the muse of all crack-fics._

Also, because I've been accused of being an insane "Harmony" shipper with this (which is ridiculous as I'm an insane Snape shipper usually), I'd like to point out that you've only heard Harry's side. I'm working on Ginny's. As with any relationship, you have to know both sides to find the truth.


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